"All Aboard" Furloughed: Day 276...The Last Day!!!

It's been a long time since my last post.  I had intended to post at day 241 and even titled it "The Grind".  That very grind kept me from focusing my attention towards posting my thoughts of this trying journey.  It has been 100 days since my last post which was in 2015 and before Christmas.  So much has taken place since I posted last.  I will bring you up to speed in the coming paragraphs, one by one and buckle you in for the next chapter in this interesting story of my experiences with the railroad and my life.

Life has been life.  We go through our daily motions and traditions and try to not get too consumed with the world to focus our attention with our intent of where we want to go with our life along with where we want our kids to go with theirs.  We have an image of what we want them to experience and be exposed to.  How we want them to act or what we want them to get involved in. We certainly can't control the choices and decisions, but we can certainly lead by example and what we allow them to take in as input in a world that is so overloaded with input.  We can only do our best and give our best effort with all the love that God graces us to give.  As such in life in general...all we can do is try.  Whether it's with raising kids, paying bills, going to work and relationships.  It's all essentially the same in the sense, it's gonna be what it's gonna be and all we can do is give our best effort and stand tall knowing that we walked the walk and did it trying.  So with all that said, here is where I stand as of day 276 of this journey.  

My boys are my boys!  My flesh.  My blood.  The true innocence of love without condition.  They are my world.  Anything else that I seem to love, invest into, touch or talk to in general, unfortunately has conditions to it.  Eight years ago I said yes.  I got married to the woman of my dreams who was a mother of two girls who I accepted into my life as my own.  To love for better or for worse, to lay down my life for, to protect with all my might.  Life takes it turns and has its ups and downs as we all travel in a roller coaster of growth and emotion and choices.  As hard as it might be, I choose love!  It doesn't always look like love with how I act but in my heart and intent.  I seek peace, I seek love!  I took in, innocence with having step daughters who also take their own ride.  They accepted me as dad all while knowing their biological fathers.  A love existed that wasn't stormed with years of inabilities and wedges.  Walls that calloused to a degree of nothing but condition.  No longer am I dad to them, no longer am I seemingly a friend either.  Blocked from social media and reduced to nothing more than just being an outsider that gets third party updates of what is going on in their lives.  I try.  It's certainly hard to love and show the affection as what once was when there is such condition to everything.  I invest, try at a level I can.  I support as a father does and provide the essence of what comes from a parental figure I suppose.  I try and participate in their activities and be a part of it.  I certainly can't speak wisdom, discipline or mold the fabric  of the younger ones life because of the heart wounds and or the inability to seek out grace as God gives us for our own shortcomings.  When those learning opportunities present themselves, I only push myself further away because it's coming from me and not someone else.  I certainly get it.  I have a step father and I felt the same towards him as they do I.  I couldn't label a harder task in my life than that of being a step father with its challenges.  It's honestly the hardest and toughest thing that I walk every day of my life. To deal with physical, emotional pains that one would find debilitating and exhausting doesn't honestly compare to the struggles of being a step father because of that feeling of rejection.  To love with all your heart.  To make that personal sacrifice of saying, I would do anything to protect you.  To jump in front of a bullet for or spare with the sacrifice of your own life to know that it's only dealt with constant rejection and unforgiveness. It absolutely sucks!!!  Let me tell you...it is so so hard that words truly cannot describe its struggle.  It wasn't until that I truly forgave my own step father and accepted him for who he was, what his strengths were along with what his weaknesses were.  

This I do know, he said yes!   Just as I did on the shores of Oahu with God, and all the nearest and dearest present to witness the union, the vows.  My step father said yes to a widowed woman with four young children.  No experience.  No manual on how it's done.  He certainly didn't have a clue, yet I see that he tried.  Most importantly, he didn't quit.  He said yes to all of us and did the best he could with what he had to work with.  He tried.  Today,  I love him more now than I ever have or could have ever imagined loving one that I absolutely abhorred when I was younger.  He was the easy target for all my own inadequacies and faults.  I blamed him for it all.  A stubbed toe would have his name spoken in vain.  I get it!  I am that same man that gets blamed for current life choices.  I'm to blame for the weather it seems like.  I can do no right and bask in a world of wrong.  I can only hope that there is a maturing that takes place where they grow and move past their past.  To honestly let go and let God.  As cheesy as it may be to some that hear catch phrases, it's true!  To turn over those pains, give them to God and let him do a healing that only God can do to our hearts is the only way that we truly experience his love and the joy and peace that goes along with it.  Yeah it won't change the things that took place.  I certainly will never forget the physicality of abuse and overall hurt that took place in my childhood though the chains have been broken and I am certainly free from it with the forgiveness that has taken place from it.  It's easier said than done and the picture may differ from that of another set of eyes in the experiences of my life, yet that is the one from my set of eyes, my feelings.  Authentic and real they are to me, my heart, my spirit.  With all that said, in my defense to this story, to my journey is that all I can simply say is that I am trying and my only advice that I could give to one that encounters any sort of struggle in their life.  If it exists with another person, place or thing and you see the God authenticity of the essence of trying in that person, place or thing.  Give them that forgiveness.  That God love and grace given to us.  Only then we can experience his peace and through that we experience a freedom that leaves us joyous and loving like we have never loved before.  

I am in no way, no shape or form seeing myself as perfect.  I am only trying, hence the earlier title of intention being, "The Grind".

I have continued to crew haul through the seasons simply because of its convenience.  It is such a difficult job market these days.  I literally must have put close to a 1000 or more applications out there over the past year.  No joke, I've saved emails and know that I've applied at hundreds of them within the railroad industry alone.  I couldn't find a job that would offset the cost of child care through the day so I settled in with the financial struggle of the joke of a salary that my job provided so I could work nights and still be home for the kids throughout the day so Peggy could go to work when she needed to.  I always wasn't present and the physical pain endured through sleep deprivation is something else.  To go so long without sleep or only encounter moments of sleep that counted from 1 to 3 hours at a time simply didn't suffice.  I'd ultimately pass out dead on the couch at moments or when a window of sleep took place I was essentially unavailable for a day because I was literally in a coma like state where disorientations took place because I was so tired.  It was rough trying to do so I ultimately had to cut back my hours so I could get some real sleep and feel like I was a functioning part of my home again.  I took some additional hours during the day helping my parents out with their business which was convenient because I could bring my little one with me as well.    Peggy is massaging but I know she isn't happy with her current role in her work and I know it is physically more taxing to be massaging her clients in a mobile setting instead of having them travel to an office.  It certainly saves from all the overhead that takes place with having a storefront with employees and l know the profit margins greatly increase because of its absence but I also know that she isn't happy and if she isn't happy that doesn't have me happy as well.  I want her to be happy yet I also want to do what makes sense.  What is to come in the near future with that chapter, I do not know but I do know that I don't want her to struggle any longer and have always wanted to be the bread winner.  To walk in the doors knowing that feeling of being a champion to them in their hearts.  I so long for that and hated to have to come home from Montana with my tail between my legs with the furlough status from BNSF.  

Now onto the next chapter.  All aboard!  I have been hired from Amtrak and day 276 is the final day that I will be furloughed from the railroad.  I will spend the next 10 weeks in Delaware training to be a conductor for Amtrak and once I'm done with training on the east coast, I come back to Seattle where I will continue on the job training.  My trips will either take me to Spokane, Portland or Vancouver BC.  I had several other testing opportunities come up in other cities but luckily was offered a position at home. In Seattle, working out of the King St. station.  I actually had a testing opportunity at the same time in DC as I was going through the process in Seattle.  I had a couple shots in Michigan and once in Denver.  I guess everything just works out for a reason because I was pretty close to going out to Detroit for that opportunity but the timing just didn't work out to get there when I need to be there.  It worked out and I passed the tests and interviewed with four employees and a week or so later, I got the offer!  It was actually offered prematurely and a day later Amtrak put out an official notice to freeze all positions hiring for train crew due to lower fuel costs and a forecasted decrease in their ridership, thinking that Americans will opt to drive instead of taking the train because gas has gone down so much because crude prices took a nose dive while I was out in Montana.  I was pretty nervous there for the next week waiting for the additional approval needed for the official offer could be put out there to me.  I thought to myself, what would be the odds of getting another train position taken from me due to the fuel costs in America.  After another nail biting week, I got the offer and was officially an Amtrak employee pending background and medical.  Passed and passed I am Delaware bound for a career with Amtrak.  I'm officially still furloughed from the BNSF in Montana, but not from the railroad.  I'll again be able to provide for my family.  Medical will be reinstated and no longer will I need to be on obamacare which wasn't all that bad from what people's impression were of it, though it is counting against us as we file our taxes for this year.  

Class starts on Monday the 21st and look forward to all the exciting experience to be had when I travel east and look forward to meeting new people as well.  I will try to blog and document the process as I walk it.  Here are some pictures of some of the moments in my life as of late.  Here are also a couple pictures of Amtrak trains as well.  None of the train pictures are mine, but I googled a few so I could update my profile on Facebook.  

In conclusion, a huge thank you!!!  To those out there that follow and support this journey.  Thank you.  You know who you are as I've thanked you personally through this journey.  You are all so important to me that I feel a duty to continue this blog and share with you the successes and blessings that come theoughout this remarkable walk.  Never in a million years did I ever think as a trainer with the Y a decade ago, I'd see myself going through a firefighting academy or even see myself on the head end of a 31 million pound train loaded with oil or grain.  It's been a crazy ride and I appreciate all the love.  All the likes and comments have helped.  All the support has been great and inspires me to continue the sharing.  So thank you, each and every one of you.  My friends, family, my beautiful kids and most importantly my  wonderful wife. None of this journey would even be possible without her, supporting and sacrificing on her end as I'm out here doing my thing.  It's a ride and I love her more than the world, to the moon and back.  Thank you Peggy Sue, I love you!!!

Changing Seasons: Furloughed, Yet Thankful! -Day 176-

Well my friends, it has been quite a journey to this point.  Time has passed since my last post, seasons have changed and I'm still moving forward in this story which we call life.  As of today: Day 176.  It has been almost a year now in which I started this quest with the railroad and more than a third of it has been spent away from it, furloughed.  

I continue to crew haul in the evenings, meeting new crews from the railroad every night.  I've gotten the opportunity to network with fellow railroaders in this journey and I've regularly taken the time to genuinely try and enrich myself with positive messages through the listening to of various podcasts while on the road.  One I've taken a strong liking to is, Marriage Today by Jimmy Evans.  I HIGHLY recommend it for all populations.  Married or single, the messages he speaks of definitely relates to all of us wherever we are at in life.  Has it helped?  I'd like to state for the record, it's a work in progress.  As is with everything we encounter in life, we constantly do and move forward, day by day, working and improving on things and ourselves.  I was also working a day job as a warehouse manager for a couple months at the local food bank, but because of its structure and other issues that I encountered there, it was a mutual agreement that through those issues we were at an impasse and I decided to step away from that job.  I loved the mission and service they provided to the community and the people there were some of the nicest I have ever met.  I was conflicted and saddened with the decision but it was one that had to be made and one where I had to be the one making it.  With that said, the journey continues forward. 

In networking with other railroaders, I've gotten some additional HAZMAT training and that's always a good thing.  I've continued to apply for furloughed positions within the system to stay proactive in this journey and have had to turn down a few simply because I've had to weigh the options of the benefits along with the negative side of things as well.  Almost all of it being the salary and the ability to maintain a way of life away from home all while meeting the financial needs back home and that aspect has kept me from ultimately taking one of the positions offered.  I've interviewed with Amtrak recently and await a decision which should be coming very soon.  It's for an Engineer trainee position which would take me to Delaware for about three months and then I would be stationed in Little Rock for the duration of the training which lasts approximately  a year.  This is a position I would take, it's the job that I honestly see as my dream job with the railroad.  The benefits are the best around and would allow for my family to visit me via the rails for free.  I've been praying and thinking about it a lot.  I really need this opportunity right now in my life with everything that's been transpiring in my life through this journey. 

Since my last post, holidays have seem to come and go.  Halloween, Thanksgiving and already we're only two weeks away from yet another one, Christmas.  Those things are what I am thankful for out of all of this.  Being home for the holidays!  In my learning, I've been reading Philippians and practicing grace and thankfulness.  Being thankful for all things.  Like being home for these holidays and getting to spend everyday with my family and kids.  I even had to go through a bout with getting shingles over the Thanksgiving holiday but remained thankful for the blessings that I have and that through my personal and financial struggles.  I am truly blessed and completely undeserving of all those blessings.  I've got a wife that gives an overwhelming amount of grace that I always seem to overlook through my own faults and shortcomings.  I've got wonderful kids that continue to grow and love me as daddy.  In my frail humbling times they still see me as a hero and something special that they love with zero conditions.  I've got a home that hasn't escaped me, I've got a vehicle that isn't broken down.  There are presents under my tree, food to waste after every meal like a majority or at least some of us experience as Americans and finally, my health.  Excluding the aches and pains of general labor and the shingles incident.  Which was quite a scare there for a moment because of its location and the fear that it may have spreaed to the eye.  Though it passed, bullet dodged and I'm just happy to have a God that forgives and loves me where I'm at and that continues to grace me with so much more than what I'm deserving of.  

I want to close with this opportunity to thank you all for your growing support.  It's truly amazing to find people that are following this journey from all reaches of the railroading community.  Your likes, comments and shares are greatly appreciated.  I hope that my words are encouraging and insightful to you.  May it drive you all to seek out the greatness in life, in others, and in yourself.  May it also have you be joyful and thankful in this season of our lives.  I wish you all the happiest of holidays and may the season be a blessing to you all, for its there if you seek out the greatness in life opposed to the hardships.  I know that I certainly have seen those days pass where I missed the bus that carried those beauties that life has for us.  Please my friends, don't miss that bus, know that you are loved.  It'll make the difference.   

A New Chapter...Following Gods Open Road

The journey continues in what was originally a blog documenting my life on the rails.  I have over the course transformed it into so much more.  I've include the trials and tribulations that go along with it and how my life evolves throughout this journey.  The ups and downs endured along with the things I come across in my day to day life.  In this post I have found myself in a new chapter.  One that has brought me to simply just letting go and letting God.  What tomorrow holds, only he knows and as hard as it can be at times, I have to trust in Him and learn to let go of my expectations and allow him to mold me and make me into the man he desires of me and what I've always envisioned of myself but with the absence of me pushing against it all the time.  

A defining moment in my life.  One that only a few people could see and understand came over me.  It was late, I was driving and in that drive I was listening to talk radio, which I have been doing a lot of lately.  A sermon came on and immediately caught my attention.  The pastor spoke with such passion and the subject matter was like it was meant for me and only me.  It was almost like he was directly talking to me, but he wasn't talking though.  It felt like he was yelling at me and because of the subject and the tone, it struck me like a bolt of lightning.   So here I am, traveling on the interstate balling with hurt and acceptance of this is me that he's talking about and it's all unfolding along with the early risers commuting to work as I was finally nearing the end of my day after almost being up for 24 hours.  So many thoughts, so much emotion pouring out, pleading internally like a child to please stop yelling at me.  Exposed I was of all the thoughtless actions and words over the years that have buried my true God intent with insecure flesh that has pleagued my life and those around me.  Pushing and pushing without process or care, just hard headed immature behaviors learned from my upbringing.  This is me though, behind a deep over spoken, loud and insensitive tone so frequently used to those around me.  Reduced to tears and shame of what has become of my life in this journey.  Everything that I cherish, love and care for with all my beating heart.  Gone.  Alone I am, no ear to hear, eye to see what sobs with disappointment and frustration of what I have become of myself.  Without going into sermons subject matter too much, he spoke of feeling sorry for myself, thinking I deserve it or wanting to end it all as if that was the answer.  He spoke of getting off my rear and doing something instead of expecting it.  Pastor Paul Sheppard and it was titled how to spell TESTimony.  It talked about his grace that he gives us all and that we are all going to go through things and that he have to be willing to accept and endure the bad to get to the better.  That the story of our lives wouldn't be if there wasn't bad.  I strongly suggest it for those needing a good swift kick in the rear to remove you from the muck that may be keeping you down.   He also has an app which is what I'm listening to his sermons from. 

"How Do You Spell TESTimony? (cont'd)" http://pastorpaul.net/store/cd-messages/item/170-how-do-you-spell-testimony.html http://subspla.sh/2fea9b5  

So a self proclamation of a new day for a new me is here.  A commitment to myself, not expecting or bullying or pushing against doors. Simply put earlier by just letting go and letting God in every aspect of my life.  To love as he loves.  Truly a Christ like love and not my own interpretation of what that is.  Letters need to be written, seeking forgiveness to those that hurt due to my inability to respectfully communicate and process my own inadequacies. So much ground to make up for all that's been done and taken place.  

So I sit with new jobs and a new day.  To make the most of those moments and just let go.  God is in control, not me.  I can't push that into anyone else other than my own actions.  Me and me alone. He has given me hearts and I intent to love those hearts, nurture and provide for them as he sees fit.  He has put good people in my life and a new chapter that has me open to whatever he sees fit for it.  In this new chapter, it resides here, in Tacoma with family.  To mend.  

I started a new job with the local food bank and am surrounded by such great people.  They've got an amazing support system down there and the volunteers are some of the best I have ever seen.  So invested and committed to the work.  I love being a part of such a friendly and supportive group.  Was it part of my plan.  Not at all.  Is it part of his plan, right now...yes!  Absolutely!  Accepting of it all to endure for the better.  An opportunity for redemption, to make right of all the wrongs.  To have a positive outlook and embrace Gods plan for my life.  I'm still also putting in some time for PTI and enjoy driving.  It has always been a nice time to meditate on things going on or even clear my head of the things that can  at times make me irritable.  The time away overall I think is good for the universe at our home with everything that's going on.  

Over the past month, we've taken a couple day trips, one being a wine country tasting in Eastern Washington and the other down at the Columbia River Gorge.  We made our annual trip down to the pumpkin patch, carved them up and took our traditional pictures with their scenery.  Roman lost his first tooth, Awana's is back in full swing, we checked out a new church and my overall impression of it was nice.  I liked that it was smaller and had an old fashioned traditional program of reading the word, classic worship music and dismissing the youth and so forth.  I'd be open to giving them another shot in order to find that connectedness we've always wanted in a church home.  

A third of the year has passed since coming home from Montana and so much has taken place in this season as it stands, pastor Paul's messages has begun to fill up my cup again with hope.  Motivating me to man up and be the example in the home that I know God wants of me and what I've expected of myself.  Patience, trust, peace need to be where I find rest and comfort.  Focusing on a positive outlook, maintaining balance and stability is crucial on a moment by moment basis.  I've kind of unloaded from left field which is what I haven't done in this blog but I feel that this is all very real.  What comes and goes in our everyday lives. Some bury it and internalize issues, some are great at working through trials.  I just want to keep things real in documenting this season.  I don't know where it will go, but know that beginning to trust and have faith is much better than the alternative.  To not allow the enemy to sow the seeds which has only further destroyed my true hopes of love, happiness and family first and forever.  Find Him, get into the word and talk to Him regularly.  Happy harvest festival and Happy Halloween to you all as well.  Dress up!  Have fun, life's too short for pain, stress and anger.  Thank you all for the continued following.  Many blessings to you all.  

Furloughed: day 100 (working for the other side)

Well, it's been exactly 100 days since I last worked a job for BNSF Railway.  The journey continues, and it doesn't seem to get any easier with each passing day.  The job search is uneventful at this point as I continue to search for something that will sustain us in these times.  I currently work for PTI, which is short for Professional Transportation Incorporated.  It is the same company that would shuttle me from place to place when I was in Glasgow working for the railroad.  It's the closest that I'm going to get to a train at this point and it's a job that at least provides funds.  I am also going to add that the funds that it does provide is not much more than minimum wage plus mileage.  I continue to apply for the furloughed positions that BNSF posts along with any other job that is railroad related or one that can provide a livable wage during this stint away from the rails.   I took a week long trip down to Austin, Texas for a HAZMAT training as well.  Outside of living the life which we all walk on a daily basis things continue to be what they are for myself and can only be approached in a positive matter to keep my spirits up.  I recently posted the other day on my page a thought, more or less a self help to give myself a positive boost in my train of thought, but a great way to look at life's moments if we choose to make the most out of them.  

"Every second in every moment of our lives is an opportunity to make a choice to take a step in a direction for something and or for someone!" 

"My choice...from this day forward, God willing...I choose to take a step forward for Him, my future, my family."  "A positive direction."  "Something better, not just for me, but for everything and for everyone.  

Amen!"

It's day 100!  Blessed I am to be home.  I am very grateful of the moments I have  back with my family.  Whatever the relational circumstance may be in my life with those that are close to me, I cherish the simple fact that I do have family.  Someplace to call home.  I sit here at a movie night for my 1st grader and appreciate these times that are had.  I do miss the railroad though.  I miss the independence and focus I was able to have in my work.  It's part of my DNA to invest in my craft and allow its work to bare fruits from my sacrifices and commitment.  I felt like I was a part of something again.  It definitely sucks to be departed from that for three months and struggle.  I got to be home for both of my boys birthdays which was nice.  I got to see them back to school, to take part in their annual fair day, to be around and share the joy of my daughter being a part of cheer and have her make the elite team. It's has its good, it has its great though it's also had its bad as well. Soaking up these moments.  All of them.  Growing, learning and just continuing to move forward in this chapter of my life.  I'm currently just trying to get by and take things, day by day, one thing at a time.  

I was able to connect myself with a great opportunity through a union paid training in Austin.  It was my first trip to Texas and I got to drink up the sites of Austin, literally.  It's a city known for its night life and abundance of bars.  The training was very helpful and I got a chance to hone my public speaking skills and also get a better understanding of HAZMAT awareness.  I also got to see the bats under the Congress street bridge.  It's the largest urban bat colony that houses 1.7 million bats under the bridge and every night at sunset they set out to feed.  A pretty awesome site to see.  I also met a lot of fellow furloughed railroaders and was able to talk trains and get a better understanding of what the industry is like in other locations.   It was a great experience and hope that the organization puts on another program before the end of the year.  It definitely helped financially and the fully paid trip was a nice break as well.  I got to meet new people and hope to continue the friendships with my fellow coworkers as we all head back to our homes in search for work.   

Outside of the Austin trip, the countless online applications and attached assessments for employment, I've been hired by PTI.  A company that used to haul me from sites while I was working for the railroad.  I figured it'd be the closest that I was going to get to a train until I get recalled so I gave it a shot.  It hasn't been far off from all of what has been said about the organization.  The pay is not what it should be and the management isn't what you'd think when you use the word manage in reference to their title because I definitely don't see a lot of it taking place.  I'll spare you the details and save that for a website like glassdoor, which specializes in interviews, salaries and company reviews.  I'm trying to work around the family schedule though and they're greatest asset is the flexibility of allowing me to work a 5pm to 5am shift.  The weird thing is that I'm only paid while I'm driving a crew around.  I don't get paid while I'm waiting in between trips which ultimately has me working a few hours at a time and then I get off for an hour or so before I get another call to work.  So I can very well not even get a paid 8 hours of work in a 12 hour shift.  It's terrible and it ruins me for any sort of at home productivity.  I found myself getting off at 630am on my first full night and got home to wake kids, get them ready, fed with lunches made and off to school.  Thankfully, the following days were supported by Peggy filling the blanks while I'm out sucking up periods of time where I'm out cold for a few hours at a time.  It's definitely not what I'm looking forward to as a long term position considering its expectation for reaching full time hours coupled with a sorry excuse for an hourly wage.  The largest shocker is that it's a union position that requires me to pay dues but from looking in, I don't see them fighting for any of the employees nor are they working towards compensating them for their time.  It's a joke but am doing what I can in the meantime.  

As I sit here at my child's Friday movie night watching "Home," I'm definitely not looking forward to being up all night as I have to go from here to home and straight to work all night to maybe get a few hours of paid work in.  

This journey continues to rewrite itself in so many ways and seemingly in so many directions.  It's an open and empty road ahead without a true path because to this furlough.  I miss the trips, I miss Montana and miss the dream I held that went along with that.  A dream of my future and included my family and a better day.  What was once a trek, or a rise from the valley of my life's tribulations continues on as an open plain with no site of seeing the beauties of standing among a peak.  With that remark, it has me thinking of the beauty of the openness of an open plain, like that of the big sky of Montana.  It's all perspective I guess.  How we portray our days and what we choose to focus on.  With that said, I'll end with my Facebook post again as another reminder of how each step needs to be sought out. 

"Every second in every moment of our lives is an opportunity to make a choice to take a step in a direction for something and or for someone!"

"My choice...from this day forward, God willing...I choose to take a step forward for Him, my future, my family."  "A positive direction."  "Something better, not just for me, but for everything and for everyone."

Amen!