A defining moment in my life. One that only a few people could see and understand came over me. It was late, I was driving and in that drive I was listening to talk radio, which I have been doing a lot of lately. A sermon came on and immediately caught my attention. The pastor spoke with such passion and the subject matter was like it was meant for me and only me. It was almost like he was directly talking to me, but he wasn't talking though. It felt like he was yelling at me and because of the subject and the tone, it struck me like a bolt of lightning. So here I am, traveling on the interstate balling with hurt and acceptance of this is me that he's talking about and it's all unfolding along with the early risers commuting to work as I was finally nearing the end of my day after almost being up for 24 hours. So many thoughts, so much emotion pouring out, pleading internally like a child to please stop yelling at me. Exposed I was of all the thoughtless actions and words over the years that have buried my true God intent with insecure flesh that has pleagued my life and those around me. Pushing and pushing without process or care, just hard headed immature behaviors learned from my upbringing. This is me though, behind a deep over spoken, loud and insensitive tone so frequently used to those around me. Reduced to tears and shame of what has become of my life in this journey. Everything that I cherish, love and care for with all my beating heart. Gone. Alone I am, no ear to hear, eye to see what sobs with disappointment and frustration of what I have become of myself. Without going into sermons subject matter too much, he spoke of feeling sorry for myself, thinking I deserve it or wanting to end it all as if that was the answer. He spoke of getting off my rear and doing something instead of expecting it. Pastor Paul Sheppard and it was titled how to spell TESTimony. It talked about his grace that he gives us all and that we are all going to go through things and that he have to be willing to accept and endure the bad to get to the better. That the story of our lives wouldn't be if there wasn't bad. I strongly suggest it for those needing a good swift kick in the rear to remove you from the muck that may be keeping you down. He also has an app which is what I'm listening to his sermons from.
"How Do You Spell TESTimony? (cont'd)" http://pastorpaul.net/store/cd-messages/item/170-how-do-you-spell-testimony.html http://subspla.sh/2fea9b5
So a self proclamation of a new day for a new me is here. A commitment to myself, not expecting or bullying or pushing against doors. Simply put earlier by just letting go and letting God in every aspect of my life. To love as he loves. Truly a Christ like love and not my own interpretation of what that is. Letters need to be written, seeking forgiveness to those that hurt due to my inability to respectfully communicate and process my own inadequacies. So much ground to make up for all that's been done and taken place.
So I sit with new jobs and a new day. To make the most of those moments and just let go. God is in control, not me. I can't push that into anyone else other than my own actions. Me and me alone. He has given me hearts and I intent to love those hearts, nurture and provide for them as he sees fit. He has put good people in my life and a new chapter that has me open to whatever he sees fit for it. In this new chapter, it resides here, in Tacoma with family. To mend.
I started a new job with the local food bank and am surrounded by such great people. They've got an amazing support system down there and the volunteers are some of the best I have ever seen. So invested and committed to the work. I love being a part of such a friendly and supportive group. Was it part of my plan. Not at all. Is it part of his plan, right now...yes! Absolutely! Accepting of it all to endure for the better. An opportunity for redemption, to make right of all the wrongs. To have a positive outlook and embrace Gods plan for my life. I'm still also putting in some time for PTI and enjoy driving. It has always been a nice time to meditate on things going on or even clear my head of the things that can at times make me irritable. The time away overall I think is good for the universe at our home with everything that's going on.
Over the past month, we've taken a couple day trips, one being a wine country tasting in Eastern Washington and the other down at the Columbia River Gorge. We made our annual trip down to the pumpkin patch, carved them up and took our traditional pictures with their scenery. Roman lost his first tooth, Awana's is back in full swing, we checked out a new church and my overall impression of it was nice. I liked that it was smaller and had an old fashioned traditional program of reading the word, classic worship music and dismissing the youth and so forth. I'd be open to giving them another shot in order to find that connectedness we've always wanted in a church home.
A third of the year has passed since coming home from Montana and so much has taken place in this season as it stands, pastor Paul's messages has begun to fill up my cup again with hope. Motivating me to man up and be the example in the home that I know God wants of me and what I've expected of myself. Patience, trust, peace need to be where I find rest and comfort. Focusing on a positive outlook, maintaining balance and stability is crucial on a moment by moment basis. I've kind of unloaded from left field which is what I haven't done in this blog but I feel that this is all very real. What comes and goes in our everyday lives. Some bury it and internalize issues, some are great at working through trials. I just want to keep things real in documenting this season. I don't know where it will go, but know that beginning to trust and have faith is much better than the alternative. To not allow the enemy to sow the seeds which has only further destroyed my true hopes of love, happiness and family first and forever. Find Him, get into the word and talk to Him regularly. Happy harvest festival and Happy Halloween to you all as well. Dress up! Have fun, life's too short for pain, stress and anger. Thank you all for the continued following. Many blessings to you all.
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