The Next Chapter...

A lot has taken place over the past month since my last post.  1. I passed my test!   I'm a certified Class 1 Railroad Conductor.  2. I got furloughed within a week of working.  3. I took an amazing trip back home through Glacier National Park.  4. The world continues to turn and my life is what it is.  

I meant to post earlier and at times felt that I had moments to where I had the clarity to write, and just didn't feel up to sharing.  So I guess that I'll start from the test to the trip to where I am at now.   

I passed the test.  The days leading up to it, I studied a little but not intensely as some of the others may have.  I'd say that I constantly browsed the material with the idea that I've been doing the stuff and studying the material for the past four months and if I didn't have it down by now that I wouldn't gain any additional knowledge by frying my brain, trying to cram into the late hours every night leading up to the test.  The only game plan I had was to take my time and that is exactly what I did.   I took approximately six hours to cover the near 300 test questions and passed on my first go.  Those that didn't pass with a score above 90% had an opportunity to correct their answers for a second go at it.  I believe only 2 of the 16 had to do that, but overall we all successfully passed the test.  I was even able to work a few days at the full conductor pay before I officially got furloughed.  From there, I settled my affairs in Glasgow, sold my trailer and ventured back home to Tacoma.  

The trip back west was a pleasant one.  I decided I'd take the hi-line all the way back and follow highway 2 through Glacier and fish my way back home.  I made a few stops along the way and even managed to talk my way out of a speeding ticket because the officer has an uncle that's a railroader back west.  She even gave me directions to a couple of places that I could check out on my way back.  I even caught a few before I turned in for the evening.  I stayed at a foamers Mecca in Essex.  It was a historic inn that was completely railroad themed with a locomotive and several cabooses that were converted into cabins.  It also had rooms that overlooked the helper yard that assists trains through the pass when needed.  If you're ever in the area, I highly recommend at least stopping for a bite to eat and a walking tour of the property.  It's called the Izaak Walton Inn and will include a few pictures of it.  I woke up early the next morning and stopped at least a dozen or more times to cast and fly fish as much as possible.  I stopped in Columbia Falls, Kalispell, Kootenai Falls and walked the suspension bridge they have out there.  I took two full days to make the trip home and soaked up the little vacation ride home as much as I could knowing that it'd be a while before I did something like that again.  As I drew closer, I got more anxious and nervous at the same time.   It was a really weird feeling to be coming back.  Like I hadn't accomplished what I set out to do and that everything I didn't want to return to would be back to how it was before I left.  Though, I was really excited to be seeing everybody for the first time in months, but really nervous of not knowing what kind of reception that would take place.  I must say that the moments within the last hour of arriving were very intense and emotional for me.

I knew I couldn't come in with any expectations other than just walking through that front door and living it in the moment.  It was odd to have seen and heard my kids regularly by phone and then see them in person.  They sounded so different and the youngest was talking so much more than what I remembered of him before I left.  The reception was light and casual for the most part and getting settled in came over the next week or so.  I had forgotten which lights turn on the outdoors or indoors, what time my kids went to school or got out.  I've got them down again now that I've been back for almost a month.  

Now that I've been home...I miss it.  I hear the whistle from home and follow along with the sequence as it passes a crossing or look at signal indications to see what they're lit up as.  I even notice the form B, yellow/red flags that were up just near the tracks by my house the other day.  I even took the opportunity to explain what they indicate to my wife and talk her through the dialog that every railroader knows with entering a formans limits.  I wish I could be back.  I miss the work.  I wanted to be the provider and come home a champion that took care of the finances.  Now I'm left applying and looking for work.  I've tried without much success and am waiting on an opportunity to do some work for the railroad in Chicago.  In the meantime, bills are still due and a mortgage that won't wait for any call to work.  I feel like the longer that I'm here, the less I want to leave.   I now understand why many don't return because of the stress that embodies all the emotions I'm feeling through this period in my life.  The feelings of depression, frustration and so many more come and go.  I just want to work!  

So much weighing on smooth transitions from work and finances.  I trust in God knowing that we wouldn't give us anything that we couldn't handle as individuals as well as a family.  My oldest is home from school, doesn't care too much for me.  My wife closed the doors to her office and is also in her own transition as well.   So there is just so much going on that I couldn't even begin to tackle any of it.  Control...it's out of my hands and in his, because this is a mountain that only he can handle.  The next chapter for me...only God knows where that journey will take me. 

Crossroads and some R & R

  There has been a lot that has taken place over the past two weeks and I have been meaning to set aside time and place my thoughts, but I haven't been able to find the right words to describe the emotions and feelings that have been running wild. I have come to a point in this journey where crossroads are near and decisions need to be made.  With realizing that, I think the hardest thing that I am dealing with is having to make these decisions solely on my own.  I come to that conclusion realizing that my decision to make this journey was one that I made on my own as well, but I am just now seeing that this is one that I need to walk through on my own as well.  I have officially finished my on-the-job training portion with the railroad and am back in the classroom preparing for the final test which takes place in a couple of days. From there I look upon a stack of unanswered questions in which I can only find peace and rest with God, knowing that those that are out of my control are with him and his will for that upcoming chapter in my life.

The last two weeks of my on the job training went really well I think. I feel like I have a better understanding of the job and would be comfortable doing it on my own without the assistance of the other conductor on duty.  Granted, I think that the job, just as in life is at a constant learning cycle in which we never cease to learn new things with our everyday encounters.  With those final trips of going from Glasgow to Minot and back, I was saddened with the thought that I won't be doing this much longer because of the downturn in railroad volume and furloughs that have come because of it. With knowing that, I learned that I really enjoyed the job itself and the journey every railroader goes through with being on the job.  The calls at odd hours, the waiting by the phone or constant checking of the boards trying to guess how much time I had or rest I needed to be ready for my next shift.  The stays at hotels with complimentary breakfasts if I worked normal hours or if I was going to miss it due to being on duty and coming in after it.  To be up all night and pin the shades tight so I could be in complete darkness so that I could try and rest through the middle of the day.  From the van rides to go catch a train or being relieved knowing I was going to be able to deadhead the last portion of my day in one.  The stops at the gas stations for meals or getting back to my home terminal in the early afternoon knowing I should rest but choose not to so that I could attempt to live a normal life and get out among the rest of the world and function on its schedule opposed to what binds us to this railroad.  All things that the journey of a railroader sees day in and day out of their career.  My favorite would be the hotels, the opportunity to use their amenities and work out or relax in the hot tub.  A plush king bed in contrast to the 19 foot trailer I purchased months ago was something I always looked forward to with a trip to Minot.  I loved coming home in the early afternoon after being up all night, an opportunity to explore the area and go fishing.  Finding new spots to try and fly fish in Eastern Montana is like trying to spot a tree out here that's not a cottonwood.  It's few and far in between and in my case, I've found spots but have yet to catch anything at this point.  

Over that same period, I celebrated my 7th wedding anniversary.  It's far from where our relationship was after our 1st but remain blessed for the time that we've shared.  The good and the bad.  The beauties that have come from it with our our two boys as well.  Days later, I turned 36 and she turned 42 the day after.  The first time in 8 years where we spent it apart and not fishing together.  We both went fishing, just in different states and she was a little more successful than I was on those days.  I pray that the coming year brings us together again for those days  like they were before.  It's been quite the experience and am hopeful still to this day that we serve a God so big that all things are possible.  

This past weekend I felt like I needed to get away and just disconnect from the past few months of railroad training and decided to go check out the sites of the area.  So I decided to go down and check out the town of Medora which is just outside the south entrance of the Theodore Roosevelt national Park.  I went with a fellow coworker and we had a great time driving through the loop of the park and seeing the amazing sites of the Badlands.  It was a much needed trip and feel like we had a great time taking it all in and seeing all the wildlife in the park as well.  There were natural caves from a Rosian that we went into and height several areas to capture some great pictures with our phones. 

Throughout the course of this journey I have found out a little more about myself and have come to a point where I really enjoy railroading. I'm going to miss not being on trains for a while and hope that this furlough that so many people are experiencing is just a short one and that I will be able to get back to work really soon.  So many people have traveled great lengths on their own journey in life, chasing a dream,a future or a career with the railroad that is just going to come to an abrupt stop after our final test. Many Will return home in search of temporary work until recalled and a few will not. As for me the journey will continue and only God knows where the next chapter in my life will take me.  I wish all my fellow coworkers well and know that I have made a lot of great friendships in these few months that I know that will last forever.  I would like to thank you all for your thoughts, for your prayers and all of your support in this journey.

My Reality is...The Hard Knock Life

I've had some time out here in Montana over the past three months to really reflect on who I am and where I'm going. I've learned a lot about a new craft and more so a lot about myself.  What I've done, good and bad, along with where I'm going.  With two weeks remaining in my training, another chapter of this journey is soon set to take its course into the unknown. 

So back onto the rails I go with trips back and forth to Minot.  The volume of trains have been slow as of late and have been doing some deadheading because of the lack of trains out there.  I did get to deadhead back to Glasgow once via the silver bullet which was a nice trip compared to the usual van ride.  I hadn't been on an Amtrak train since I was a kid taking them back and forth from Tacoma to Portland where I grew up.  The train hasn't changed at all in the last twenty years since last riding them, not one bit.  They looked exactly the same and haven't been updated or changed at all.  That ride just coincidentally took place days after the tragic derailment which took the lives of 8 and injuring 200 more. I wasn't worried about the safety of the train and the trip back to town was pretty comfortable and it went by very quickly.  I enjoyed it a lot considering I had taken so many of them as a kid to visit friends in my old town where I grew up.  

To bring the blog up to speed in this journey, let's start off by covering my week back in Williston.  I got the chance to work with a great conductor out there on the 6am to 6pm crew.  The days were long but the week seemed to go by very quickly.  I spent the entire time switching railroad cars from several tracks, setting out cars to take up to the local industries and blocking together cars that were being used on the west end of the yard to eventually build an outbound train for a crew to take to its destination.  The instructor that I worked with had a very fatherly teaching ability about him that made for a very relaxed and receptive way of learning.  I saw him as a great mentor and connected with him very quickly in the short amount of time that I got to work with him.  On my way back to town I took the opportunity to visit a couple of sites.  Fort Buford and Fort Union.  Both sites stand at the Missouri and Yellowstone confluence.  I've turned into a research bug from knowing my wife and look everything up. I suggest the same, whether it be those sites or even the history of Amtrak, all interesting to know its origin and where it all started.  I then headed west on a freeway that runs along the rails which I see all the time during work but never from the paved hi line of highway 2.  Beautiful sights of badland mountains that tell its own story of deterioration over time, shaped by every passing season.   It's along a gravel road that extends over several miles, along the way back I see a vulture having lunch that seemed to not care of my passing car so I turned around for a better shot, the results were a priceless capture from my phone that left me in awe of a beautiful bird that is sought only as a scavenger.  The beauty in creation brings to mind a couple of days in Williston where I'm riding the point of an oil car, protecting the reverse movement back into the yard when out of nowhere a squirrel comes racing alongside our train.  For over a minute we watch this thing pace our train as I'm telling him to not do it, yes I am talking to a squirrel and advising him to not cut across the tracks in front of us.  Amazed by his speed, he digs deep and pulls ahead and narrowly crosses safely.  I felt silly in the moment but was taken from my reality to enjoy the time of life's simplicity in that brief minute.  I think the funnier part to that moment took place only two days later, pulling that same shove, that same squirrel did it again.  As the instructor and I remark about it we again are talking to this squirrel telling him that he's pushing his luck by crossing in front of us.  He made it safely and again made a minute of my life free from a world that weighs down our spirits, keeping us from enjoying or taking in the simple things in life. 

Financially, I took this journey in hopes of a dream.  A dream that would alleviate the stresses that have followed my family over the past several years.  Whether it be with our struggles at home or with my wife and her business that she opened over a year ago.  I hoped to be able and cover all loose ends and to allow her the breathing room to simply focus that revenue towards taking her dream with that business to the next level.  I'm afraid that failing out here will limit or end her dream back home.  I have found myself in restuarant parking lots or in my car contemplating the decision of eating my next meal.  If it's not that, I have taken the continental breakfasts as my opportunity to get a quick bite to eat along with a chance to pack a light lunch to get me by.  I also find myself at a local bar across the street from my trailer simply to just take part in the free popcorn and water while I catch the evenings basketball or baseball game.  I've made more each half than I ever have before, even when I was working three jobs but feel that nothing has gotten any better.  To dream a dream and work so hard selflessly, sacrificing it all to not find a peace at the end of the tunnel has made this chapter quite hard.  Questioning his calling for me and the purpose of this journey.  Where will it take me next?  Where is the light at the end of this tunnel?  Does that dream or vision of happiness exist?  Is it something that is only fabricated by movies and mainstream media to chase a false hope of something that doesn't really exist?  Are my peers and the things that I see around me false?  Do they share the same hardships and are only cleverly disguised by empty social media updates, that lead me to believe that happiness is only a front, but deep down are broken and struggling as well.  I just am at such a loss right now, I don't know. 

Relationally has been the hardest.  I haven't seen my kids and to hear other employees share in their families and kids has been the hardest.  I am truly alone out here with no idea of what will come next or when I'll be able to see my family.  I'm missing my kids more and more with each passing day and my wife and I couldn't be any more disconnected than we currently are.  We will both be celebrating birthdays next week and this will mark the first time in eight years where we will spend it away from each other not fishing together.  Our 7 year anniversary is coming up this Sunday, yet I get the feeling that there is nothing left to celebrate.  Can what has been lost ever be found?  Could it be possible to rekindle a love where the flames are almost seemingly extinguished?  I once stood tall bearing the name The Resseau Family.  Now I feel like I've been losing them all, one by one to where I can't even envision getting it all back.  I've lost the sense of being and almost feel like there isn't even a welcoming home to go back to if at the end of this thing I am without work.  I feel like I can't go home.  I haven't earned that right.  Nothing is better.  Nothing is forgiven.  The past is still present and nothing is new.  I'll have come so far to only go back in exactly the same position that I left in.  I desperately need the work.  I need money to pay bills and provide for my family.  I need help.  Though I also know that money doesn't solve all of our problems.  I know that it could possibly relieve some levels of stress that cloud any shred of hope I seek in earning with the efforts that I feel like I've been putting forth out here.  I just don't know anymore.  Days are good and days are bad.  So goes my life on the railroad at this moment in time.  I've always stated that through it all.  In my moments that are real or my times that are emotional, I try.  I am not perfect and am guilty as flesh but I can only continue to try and seek the guidance and wisdom of the Lord to lead me as he sees fit.  His will, not mine.  To turn it all over to him and let go of it all because this is all larger than I can even comprehend now.   I can only try and love like he does, continuing to give the best of my ability and hope for the best.  

Thank you all that follow my journey.  Your comments and knowing that someone is out there listening helps.  Your prayers are always welcomed and very much appreciated.  In this moment, I pray for forgiveness, to make me new in this day and let the past die.  I pray for a covering over my journey, my world, and my family that walks through and endures through these trying times.  Give us all the love, patience, peace in understanding these days with the wisdom to disern your will for us all.  Thank for this day.  The gift of life in which we are given the free will to live and love one another.  Thank you for it all.  It's truly a blessing to have, even in the times or moments that feel empty.  I thank you for the peace of your love knowing that this one thing alone is enough.  

Amen.