Changing Seasons: Furloughed, Yet Thankful! -Day 176-

Well my friends, it has been quite a journey to this point.  Time has passed since my last post, seasons have changed and I'm still moving forward in this story which we call life.  As of today: Day 176.  It has been almost a year now in which I started this quest with the railroad and more than a third of it has been spent away from it, furloughed.  

I continue to crew haul in the evenings, meeting new crews from the railroad every night.  I've gotten the opportunity to network with fellow railroaders in this journey and I've regularly taken the time to genuinely try and enrich myself with positive messages through the listening to of various podcasts while on the road.  One I've taken a strong liking to is, Marriage Today by Jimmy Evans.  I HIGHLY recommend it for all populations.  Married or single, the messages he speaks of definitely relates to all of us wherever we are at in life.  Has it helped?  I'd like to state for the record, it's a work in progress.  As is with everything we encounter in life, we constantly do and move forward, day by day, working and improving on things and ourselves.  I was also working a day job as a warehouse manager for a couple months at the local food bank, but because of its structure and other issues that I encountered there, it was a mutual agreement that through those issues we were at an impasse and I decided to step away from that job.  I loved the mission and service they provided to the community and the people there were some of the nicest I have ever met.  I was conflicted and saddened with the decision but it was one that had to be made and one where I had to be the one making it.  With that said, the journey continues forward. 

In networking with other railroaders, I've gotten some additional HAZMAT training and that's always a good thing.  I've continued to apply for furloughed positions within the system to stay proactive in this journey and have had to turn down a few simply because I've had to weigh the options of the benefits along with the negative side of things as well.  Almost all of it being the salary and the ability to maintain a way of life away from home all while meeting the financial needs back home and that aspect has kept me from ultimately taking one of the positions offered.  I've interviewed with Amtrak recently and await a decision which should be coming very soon.  It's for an Engineer trainee position which would take me to Delaware for about three months and then I would be stationed in Little Rock for the duration of the training which lasts approximately  a year.  This is a position I would take, it's the job that I honestly see as my dream job with the railroad.  The benefits are the best around and would allow for my family to visit me via the rails for free.  I've been praying and thinking about it a lot.  I really need this opportunity right now in my life with everything that's been transpiring in my life through this journey. 

Since my last post, holidays have seem to come and go.  Halloween, Thanksgiving and already we're only two weeks away from yet another one, Christmas.  Those things are what I am thankful for out of all of this.  Being home for the holidays!  In my learning, I've been reading Philippians and practicing grace and thankfulness.  Being thankful for all things.  Like being home for these holidays and getting to spend everyday with my family and kids.  I even had to go through a bout with getting shingles over the Thanksgiving holiday but remained thankful for the blessings that I have and that through my personal and financial struggles.  I am truly blessed and completely undeserving of all those blessings.  I've got a wife that gives an overwhelming amount of grace that I always seem to overlook through my own faults and shortcomings.  I've got wonderful kids that continue to grow and love me as daddy.  In my frail humbling times they still see me as a hero and something special that they love with zero conditions.  I've got a home that hasn't escaped me, I've got a vehicle that isn't broken down.  There are presents under my tree, food to waste after every meal like a majority or at least some of us experience as Americans and finally, my health.  Excluding the aches and pains of general labor and the shingles incident.  Which was quite a scare there for a moment because of its location and the fear that it may have spreaed to the eye.  Though it passed, bullet dodged and I'm just happy to have a God that forgives and loves me where I'm at and that continues to grace me with so much more than what I'm deserving of.  

I want to close with this opportunity to thank you all for your growing support.  It's truly amazing to find people that are following this journey from all reaches of the railroading community.  Your likes, comments and shares are greatly appreciated.  I hope that my words are encouraging and insightful to you.  May it drive you all to seek out the greatness in life, in others, and in yourself.  May it also have you be joyful and thankful in this season of our lives.  I wish you all the happiest of holidays and may the season be a blessing to you all, for its there if you seek out the greatness in life opposed to the hardships.  I know that I certainly have seen those days pass where I missed the bus that carried those beauties that life has for us.  Please my friends, don't miss that bus, know that you are loved.  It'll make the difference.   

A New Chapter...Following Gods Open Road

The journey continues in what was originally a blog documenting my life on the rails.  I have over the course transformed it into so much more.  I've include the trials and tribulations that go along with it and how my life evolves throughout this journey.  The ups and downs endured along with the things I come across in my day to day life.  In this post I have found myself in a new chapter.  One that has brought me to simply just letting go and letting God.  What tomorrow holds, only he knows and as hard as it can be at times, I have to trust in Him and learn to let go of my expectations and allow him to mold me and make me into the man he desires of me and what I've always envisioned of myself but with the absence of me pushing against it all the time.  

A defining moment in my life.  One that only a few people could see and understand came over me.  It was late, I was driving and in that drive I was listening to talk radio, which I have been doing a lot of lately.  A sermon came on and immediately caught my attention.  The pastor spoke with such passion and the subject matter was like it was meant for me and only me.  It was almost like he was directly talking to me, but he wasn't talking though.  It felt like he was yelling at me and because of the subject and the tone, it struck me like a bolt of lightning.   So here I am, traveling on the interstate balling with hurt and acceptance of this is me that he's talking about and it's all unfolding along with the early risers commuting to work as I was finally nearing the end of my day after almost being up for 24 hours.  So many thoughts, so much emotion pouring out, pleading internally like a child to please stop yelling at me.  Exposed I was of all the thoughtless actions and words over the years that have buried my true God intent with insecure flesh that has pleagued my life and those around me.  Pushing and pushing without process or care, just hard headed immature behaviors learned from my upbringing.  This is me though, behind a deep over spoken, loud and insensitive tone so frequently used to those around me.  Reduced to tears and shame of what has become of my life in this journey.  Everything that I cherish, love and care for with all my beating heart.  Gone.  Alone I am, no ear to hear, eye to see what sobs with disappointment and frustration of what I have become of myself.  Without going into sermons subject matter too much, he spoke of feeling sorry for myself, thinking I deserve it or wanting to end it all as if that was the answer.  He spoke of getting off my rear and doing something instead of expecting it.  Pastor Paul Sheppard and it was titled how to spell TESTimony.  It talked about his grace that he gives us all and that we are all going to go through things and that he have to be willing to accept and endure the bad to get to the better.  That the story of our lives wouldn't be if there wasn't bad.  I strongly suggest it for those needing a good swift kick in the rear to remove you from the muck that may be keeping you down.   He also has an app which is what I'm listening to his sermons from. 

"How Do You Spell TESTimony? (cont'd)" http://pastorpaul.net/store/cd-messages/item/170-how-do-you-spell-testimony.html http://subspla.sh/2fea9b5  

So a self proclamation of a new day for a new me is here.  A commitment to myself, not expecting or bullying or pushing against doors. Simply put earlier by just letting go and letting God in every aspect of my life.  To love as he loves.  Truly a Christ like love and not my own interpretation of what that is.  Letters need to be written, seeking forgiveness to those that hurt due to my inability to respectfully communicate and process my own inadequacies. So much ground to make up for all that's been done and taken place.  

So I sit with new jobs and a new day.  To make the most of those moments and just let go.  God is in control, not me.  I can't push that into anyone else other than my own actions.  Me and me alone. He has given me hearts and I intent to love those hearts, nurture and provide for them as he sees fit.  He has put good people in my life and a new chapter that has me open to whatever he sees fit for it.  In this new chapter, it resides here, in Tacoma with family.  To mend.  

I started a new job with the local food bank and am surrounded by such great people.  They've got an amazing support system down there and the volunteers are some of the best I have ever seen.  So invested and committed to the work.  I love being a part of such a friendly and supportive group.  Was it part of my plan.  Not at all.  Is it part of his plan, right now...yes!  Absolutely!  Accepting of it all to endure for the better.  An opportunity for redemption, to make right of all the wrongs.  To have a positive outlook and embrace Gods plan for my life.  I'm still also putting in some time for PTI and enjoy driving.  It has always been a nice time to meditate on things going on or even clear my head of the things that can  at times make me irritable.  The time away overall I think is good for the universe at our home with everything that's going on.  

Over the past month, we've taken a couple day trips, one being a wine country tasting in Eastern Washington and the other down at the Columbia River Gorge.  We made our annual trip down to the pumpkin patch, carved them up and took our traditional pictures with their scenery.  Roman lost his first tooth, Awana's is back in full swing, we checked out a new church and my overall impression of it was nice.  I liked that it was smaller and had an old fashioned traditional program of reading the word, classic worship music and dismissing the youth and so forth.  I'd be open to giving them another shot in order to find that connectedness we've always wanted in a church home.  

A third of the year has passed since coming home from Montana and so much has taken place in this season as it stands, pastor Paul's messages has begun to fill up my cup again with hope.  Motivating me to man up and be the example in the home that I know God wants of me and what I've expected of myself.  Patience, trust, peace need to be where I find rest and comfort.  Focusing on a positive outlook, maintaining balance and stability is crucial on a moment by moment basis.  I've kind of unloaded from left field which is what I haven't done in this blog but I feel that this is all very real.  What comes and goes in our everyday lives. Some bury it and internalize issues, some are great at working through trials.  I just want to keep things real in documenting this season.  I don't know where it will go, but know that beginning to trust and have faith is much better than the alternative.  To not allow the enemy to sow the seeds which has only further destroyed my true hopes of love, happiness and family first and forever.  Find Him, get into the word and talk to Him regularly.  Happy harvest festival and Happy Halloween to you all as well.  Dress up!  Have fun, life's too short for pain, stress and anger.  Thank you all for the continued following.  Many blessings to you all.  

Furloughed: day 100 (working for the other side)

Well, it's been exactly 100 days since I last worked a job for BNSF Railway.  The journey continues, and it doesn't seem to get any easier with each passing day.  The job search is uneventful at this point as I continue to search for something that will sustain us in these times.  I currently work for PTI, which is short for Professional Transportation Incorporated.  It is the same company that would shuttle me from place to place when I was in Glasgow working for the railroad.  It's the closest that I'm going to get to a train at this point and it's a job that at least provides funds.  I am also going to add that the funds that it does provide is not much more than minimum wage plus mileage.  I continue to apply for the furloughed positions that BNSF posts along with any other job that is railroad related or one that can provide a livable wage during this stint away from the rails.   I took a week long trip down to Austin, Texas for a HAZMAT training as well.  Outside of living the life which we all walk on a daily basis things continue to be what they are for myself and can only be approached in a positive matter to keep my spirits up.  I recently posted the other day on my page a thought, more or less a self help to give myself a positive boost in my train of thought, but a great way to look at life's moments if we choose to make the most out of them.  

"Every second in every moment of our lives is an opportunity to make a choice to take a step in a direction for something and or for someone!" 

"My choice...from this day forward, God willing...I choose to take a step forward for Him, my future, my family."  "A positive direction."  "Something better, not just for me, but for everything and for everyone.  

Amen!"

It's day 100!  Blessed I am to be home.  I am very grateful of the moments I have  back with my family.  Whatever the relational circumstance may be in my life with those that are close to me, I cherish the simple fact that I do have family.  Someplace to call home.  I sit here at a movie night for my 1st grader and appreciate these times that are had.  I do miss the railroad though.  I miss the independence and focus I was able to have in my work.  It's part of my DNA to invest in my craft and allow its work to bare fruits from my sacrifices and commitment.  I felt like I was a part of something again.  It definitely sucks to be departed from that for three months and struggle.  I got to be home for both of my boys birthdays which was nice.  I got to see them back to school, to take part in their annual fair day, to be around and share the joy of my daughter being a part of cheer and have her make the elite team. It's has its good, it has its great though it's also had its bad as well. Soaking up these moments.  All of them.  Growing, learning and just continuing to move forward in this chapter of my life.  I'm currently just trying to get by and take things, day by day, one thing at a time.  

I was able to connect myself with a great opportunity through a union paid training in Austin.  It was my first trip to Texas and I got to drink up the sites of Austin, literally.  It's a city known for its night life and abundance of bars.  The training was very helpful and I got a chance to hone my public speaking skills and also get a better understanding of HAZMAT awareness.  I also got to see the bats under the Congress street bridge.  It's the largest urban bat colony that houses 1.7 million bats under the bridge and every night at sunset they set out to feed.  A pretty awesome site to see.  I also met a lot of fellow furloughed railroaders and was able to talk trains and get a better understanding of what the industry is like in other locations.   It was a great experience and hope that the organization puts on another program before the end of the year.  It definitely helped financially and the fully paid trip was a nice break as well.  I got to meet new people and hope to continue the friendships with my fellow coworkers as we all head back to our homes in search for work.   

Outside of the Austin trip, the countless online applications and attached assessments for employment, I've been hired by PTI.  A company that used to haul me from sites while I was working for the railroad.  I figured it'd be the closest that I was going to get to a train until I get recalled so I gave it a shot.  It hasn't been far off from all of what has been said about the organization.  The pay is not what it should be and the management isn't what you'd think when you use the word manage in reference to their title because I definitely don't see a lot of it taking place.  I'll spare you the details and save that for a website like glassdoor, which specializes in interviews, salaries and company reviews.  I'm trying to work around the family schedule though and they're greatest asset is the flexibility of allowing me to work a 5pm to 5am shift.  The weird thing is that I'm only paid while I'm driving a crew around.  I don't get paid while I'm waiting in between trips which ultimately has me working a few hours at a time and then I get off for an hour or so before I get another call to work.  So I can very well not even get a paid 8 hours of work in a 12 hour shift.  It's terrible and it ruins me for any sort of at home productivity.  I found myself getting off at 630am on my first full night and got home to wake kids, get them ready, fed with lunches made and off to school.  Thankfully, the following days were supported by Peggy filling the blanks while I'm out sucking up periods of time where I'm out cold for a few hours at a time.  It's definitely not what I'm looking forward to as a long term position considering its expectation for reaching full time hours coupled with a sorry excuse for an hourly wage.  The largest shocker is that it's a union position that requires me to pay dues but from looking in, I don't see them fighting for any of the employees nor are they working towards compensating them for their time.  It's a joke but am doing what I can in the meantime.  

As I sit here at my child's Friday movie night watching "Home," I'm definitely not looking forward to being up all night as I have to go from here to home and straight to work all night to maybe get a few hours of paid work in.  

This journey continues to rewrite itself in so many ways and seemingly in so many directions.  It's an open and empty road ahead without a true path because to this furlough.  I miss the trips, I miss Montana and miss the dream I held that went along with that.  A dream of my future and included my family and a better day.  What was once a trek, or a rise from the valley of my life's tribulations continues on as an open plain with no site of seeing the beauties of standing among a peak.  With that remark, it has me thinking of the beauty of the openness of an open plain, like that of the big sky of Montana.  It's all perspective I guess.  How we portray our days and what we choose to focus on.  With that said, I'll end with my Facebook post again as another reminder of how each step needs to be sought out. 

"Every second in every moment of our lives is an opportunity to make a choice to take a step in a direction for something and or for someone!"

"My choice...from this day forward, God willing...I choose to take a step forward for Him, my future, my family."  "A positive direction."  "Something better, not just for me, but for everything and for everyone."

Amen!

Furloughed: day 64

Well, a couple of months have passed since my last post and it's day number 64 as a furloughed TYE railroad employee and I'd have to say that I'm still technically looking for work.  I've applied for jobs, taken some side work and gotten a chance to get away with the family a little bit.  

A co-worker once told me on a trip that he hired out many years ago and also was immediately furloughed and didn't work for 18 months.  He also told me that those were the best 18 months of his life, because with that time away he was able to gain seniority through guys not coming back to the job and that allowed him to appreciate how great of a job that he had.  Though being in the moment in can see and understand where he's coming from with that comment, but I have a hard time realizing it because I'm currently walking in that moment.

I've got a prospective job lined up with a company that transports railroaders to wherever they need to go.  It's the same service that would shuttle me from place to place when I was on the job in Montana.  It's not the greatest paying gig, but it's the closest I'm going to get to a train until I get called back.  I am also going down for a paid training in Austin, Texas for a week which will be a nice break from reality and get paid for it. Things have been extremely tough since coming home, yet I'm always reminding myself of the comforting words of my wife who once told me that, "God has never given us anything that we couldn't handle" and "as hard as things have been in the past, we always seem to get by."  I honestly know that we could be in worse shape than where we are now and also know that we haven't been in a situation financially and relationally as as bad as where we currently are at.  It's almost like the perfect storm that we are weathering right now.  A combination of being out of work, and her having to close her business at the same time.  Also coupled with our marital status being in question along with the mountain of debt, a looming possibility of foreclosure and recurring bills being a sweet cherry to top our bowl of stressors.  I'd like to think or say with confidence that we are genuinely taking on these obstacles head on, but fear in its moments can get the best of me at times.  I struggle with sleep at night, worrying about the position that our family is in and the quality of life and culture we are creating for our kids.  I feel that it's been improving a bit over the last couple of weeks as we've both put all those issues in perspective and begin to work towards something bigger than we we can see or touch.  With that dream,or idea, I can get a clearer understanding what my coworker was meaning with that comment.  Being back to work would definitely resolve a lot of our stresses, a lot of my insecurities and inadequacies.  I'd feel like I'm the man of the house, providing for my family.  I've always wanted to have that feeling of being raised up or praised by my family as being able to meet the needs of them all.  

We've been able to take the kids camping and we also took a trip to the Oregon coast as well.  It was the first real camping experience for the boys and they had a blast.  I think all of the kids overall enjoyed the trip and I think that Peggy and I had a good time as well.  I also think that the trip to the ocean was a good experience as well for the kids.  As they get older, they are able to remember more of these moments and I want them to remember all the things we got out and did.  I want them to take in so much more than what I was exposed to as a kid.  I also want them to not be a victim of that generational curse that we so regularly acquire from our parents and pass onto our children.  I now see that I am my fathers son.  Even with being raised by a step father, there are so many things that I have taken from him and I don't want the things that I've learned in my home to be passed on to my children.  They say everything happens for a reason.  As hard as it may be to digest everything that's going on in our lives, I accept them.  I embrace the opportunity to be a better husband to my wife, a better father to my children.  I know in time, grace and perseverance, I can be that man.  We all fall short, though by love and grace we are made new, forgiven and strenthened by that grace and love to give more.  A better version of us, day by day.  

Some can offer their prayers, or an extended hand of support.  I can also respect the opinions of others that give suggestions or their outside opinion to my circumstance.  I also know that the extension of ones hand doesn't reach but any further than their own circle.  We've become secluded to meeting and being solely committed to our own immediate needs being met.  If you don't directly affect the revolution of my world, I can't directly be a part of it.  Family or friends included to that.  I understand though, I'm not putting out an expectation of, "I've fallen and I want you to help me up".  It's just sad and surprising to live in a world that will only help if it means that we get something in return. We watch from the sidelines, scrolling through input regularly and only do what's comfortable.  I'm also know that I'm taking my index finger and rubbing it ever so gently back and forth with my thumb as I'm playing the tune with the worlds smallest violin.  My issues are not large and the trials I endure aren't but a crumb to the worlds hurt and the tribulations that others endure on a daily basis that make my struggles appear microscopic to the things others face.  

In conclusion, I will take my bow with the completion of my tune and am humbled by this situation.  An opportunity for growth and a chance at gaining some wisdom that I could possibly pay forward to my kids or someone else that may cross my path in the future that could end up going through the same thing.  I will continue to push forward and answer that call when it comes.......