Furloughed: day 100 (working for the other side)

Well, it's been exactly 100 days since I last worked a job for BNSF Railway.  The journey continues, and it doesn't seem to get any easier with each passing day.  The job search is uneventful at this point as I continue to search for something that will sustain us in these times.  I currently work for PTI, which is short for Professional Transportation Incorporated.  It is the same company that would shuttle me from place to place when I was in Glasgow working for the railroad.  It's the closest that I'm going to get to a train at this point and it's a job that at least provides funds.  I am also going to add that the funds that it does provide is not much more than minimum wage plus mileage.  I continue to apply for the furloughed positions that BNSF posts along with any other job that is railroad related or one that can provide a livable wage during this stint away from the rails.   I took a week long trip down to Austin, Texas for a HAZMAT training as well.  Outside of living the life which we all walk on a daily basis things continue to be what they are for myself and can only be approached in a positive matter to keep my spirits up.  I recently posted the other day on my page a thought, more or less a self help to give myself a positive boost in my train of thought, but a great way to look at life's moments if we choose to make the most out of them.  

"Every second in every moment of our lives is an opportunity to make a choice to take a step in a direction for something and or for someone!" 

"My choice...from this day forward, God willing...I choose to take a step forward for Him, my future, my family."  "A positive direction."  "Something better, not just for me, but for everything and for everyone.  

Amen!"

It's day 100!  Blessed I am to be home.  I am very grateful of the moments I have  back with my family.  Whatever the relational circumstance may be in my life with those that are close to me, I cherish the simple fact that I do have family.  Someplace to call home.  I sit here at a movie night for my 1st grader and appreciate these times that are had.  I do miss the railroad though.  I miss the independence and focus I was able to have in my work.  It's part of my DNA to invest in my craft and allow its work to bare fruits from my sacrifices and commitment.  I felt like I was a part of something again.  It definitely sucks to be departed from that for three months and struggle.  I got to be home for both of my boys birthdays which was nice.  I got to see them back to school, to take part in their annual fair day, to be around and share the joy of my daughter being a part of cheer and have her make the elite team. It's has its good, it has its great though it's also had its bad as well. Soaking up these moments.  All of them.  Growing, learning and just continuing to move forward in this chapter of my life.  I'm currently just trying to get by and take things, day by day, one thing at a time.  

I was able to connect myself with a great opportunity through a union paid training in Austin.  It was my first trip to Texas and I got to drink up the sites of Austin, literally.  It's a city known for its night life and abundance of bars.  The training was very helpful and I got a chance to hone my public speaking skills and also get a better understanding of HAZMAT awareness.  I also got to see the bats under the Congress street bridge.  It's the largest urban bat colony that houses 1.7 million bats under the bridge and every night at sunset they set out to feed.  A pretty awesome site to see.  I also met a lot of fellow furloughed railroaders and was able to talk trains and get a better understanding of what the industry is like in other locations.   It was a great experience and hope that the organization puts on another program before the end of the year.  It definitely helped financially and the fully paid trip was a nice break as well.  I got to meet new people and hope to continue the friendships with my fellow coworkers as we all head back to our homes in search for work.   

Outside of the Austin trip, the countless online applications and attached assessments for employment, I've been hired by PTI.  A company that used to haul me from sites while I was working for the railroad.  I figured it'd be the closest that I was going to get to a train until I get recalled so I gave it a shot.  It hasn't been far off from all of what has been said about the organization.  The pay is not what it should be and the management isn't what you'd think when you use the word manage in reference to their title because I definitely don't see a lot of it taking place.  I'll spare you the details and save that for a website like glassdoor, which specializes in interviews, salaries and company reviews.  I'm trying to work around the family schedule though and they're greatest asset is the flexibility of allowing me to work a 5pm to 5am shift.  The weird thing is that I'm only paid while I'm driving a crew around.  I don't get paid while I'm waiting in between trips which ultimately has me working a few hours at a time and then I get off for an hour or so before I get another call to work.  So I can very well not even get a paid 8 hours of work in a 12 hour shift.  It's terrible and it ruins me for any sort of at home productivity.  I found myself getting off at 630am on my first full night and got home to wake kids, get them ready, fed with lunches made and off to school.  Thankfully, the following days were supported by Peggy filling the blanks while I'm out sucking up periods of time where I'm out cold for a few hours at a time.  It's definitely not what I'm looking forward to as a long term position considering its expectation for reaching full time hours coupled with a sorry excuse for an hourly wage.  The largest shocker is that it's a union position that requires me to pay dues but from looking in, I don't see them fighting for any of the employees nor are they working towards compensating them for their time.  It's a joke but am doing what I can in the meantime.  

As I sit here at my child's Friday movie night watching "Home," I'm definitely not looking forward to being up all night as I have to go from here to home and straight to work all night to maybe get a few hours of paid work in.  

This journey continues to rewrite itself in so many ways and seemingly in so many directions.  It's an open and empty road ahead without a true path because to this furlough.  I miss the trips, I miss Montana and miss the dream I held that went along with that.  A dream of my future and included my family and a better day.  What was once a trek, or a rise from the valley of my life's tribulations continues on as an open plain with no site of seeing the beauties of standing among a peak.  With that remark, it has me thinking of the beauty of the openness of an open plain, like that of the big sky of Montana.  It's all perspective I guess.  How we portray our days and what we choose to focus on.  With that said, I'll end with my Facebook post again as another reminder of how each step needs to be sought out. 

"Every second in every moment of our lives is an opportunity to make a choice to take a step in a direction for something and or for someone!"

"My choice...from this day forward, God willing...I choose to take a step forward for Him, my future, my family."  "A positive direction."  "Something better, not just for me, but for everything and for everyone."

Amen!

Furloughed: day 64

Well, a couple of months have passed since my last post and it's day number 64 as a furloughed TYE railroad employee and I'd have to say that I'm still technically looking for work.  I've applied for jobs, taken some side work and gotten a chance to get away with the family a little bit.  

A co-worker once told me on a trip that he hired out many years ago and also was immediately furloughed and didn't work for 18 months.  He also told me that those were the best 18 months of his life, because with that time away he was able to gain seniority through guys not coming back to the job and that allowed him to appreciate how great of a job that he had.  Though being in the moment in can see and understand where he's coming from with that comment, but I have a hard time realizing it because I'm currently walking in that moment.

I've got a prospective job lined up with a company that transports railroaders to wherever they need to go.  It's the same service that would shuttle me from place to place when I was on the job in Montana.  It's not the greatest paying gig, but it's the closest I'm going to get to a train until I get called back.  I am also going down for a paid training in Austin, Texas for a week which will be a nice break from reality and get paid for it. Things have been extremely tough since coming home, yet I'm always reminding myself of the comforting words of my wife who once told me that, "God has never given us anything that we couldn't handle" and "as hard as things have been in the past, we always seem to get by."  I honestly know that we could be in worse shape than where we are now and also know that we haven't been in a situation financially and relationally as as bad as where we currently are at.  It's almost like the perfect storm that we are weathering right now.  A combination of being out of work, and her having to close her business at the same time.  Also coupled with our marital status being in question along with the mountain of debt, a looming possibility of foreclosure and recurring bills being a sweet cherry to top our bowl of stressors.  I'd like to think or say with confidence that we are genuinely taking on these obstacles head on, but fear in its moments can get the best of me at times.  I struggle with sleep at night, worrying about the position that our family is in and the quality of life and culture we are creating for our kids.  I feel that it's been improving a bit over the last couple of weeks as we've both put all those issues in perspective and begin to work towards something bigger than we we can see or touch.  With that dream,or idea, I can get a clearer understanding what my coworker was meaning with that comment.  Being back to work would definitely resolve a lot of our stresses, a lot of my insecurities and inadequacies.  I'd feel like I'm the man of the house, providing for my family.  I've always wanted to have that feeling of being raised up or praised by my family as being able to meet the needs of them all.  

We've been able to take the kids camping and we also took a trip to the Oregon coast as well.  It was the first real camping experience for the boys and they had a blast.  I think all of the kids overall enjoyed the trip and I think that Peggy and I had a good time as well.  I also think that the trip to the ocean was a good experience as well for the kids.  As they get older, they are able to remember more of these moments and I want them to remember all the things we got out and did.  I want them to take in so much more than what I was exposed to as a kid.  I also want them to not be a victim of that generational curse that we so regularly acquire from our parents and pass onto our children.  I now see that I am my fathers son.  Even with being raised by a step father, there are so many things that I have taken from him and I don't want the things that I've learned in my home to be passed on to my children.  They say everything happens for a reason.  As hard as it may be to digest everything that's going on in our lives, I accept them.  I embrace the opportunity to be a better husband to my wife, a better father to my children.  I know in time, grace and perseverance, I can be that man.  We all fall short, though by love and grace we are made new, forgiven and strenthened by that grace and love to give more.  A better version of us, day by day.  

Some can offer their prayers, or an extended hand of support.  I can also respect the opinions of others that give suggestions or their outside opinion to my circumstance.  I also know that the extension of ones hand doesn't reach but any further than their own circle.  We've become secluded to meeting and being solely committed to our own immediate needs being met.  If you don't directly affect the revolution of my world, I can't directly be a part of it.  Family or friends included to that.  I understand though, I'm not putting out an expectation of, "I've fallen and I want you to help me up".  It's just sad and surprising to live in a world that will only help if it means that we get something in return. We watch from the sidelines, scrolling through input regularly and only do what's comfortable.  I'm also know that I'm taking my index finger and rubbing it ever so gently back and forth with my thumb as I'm playing the tune with the worlds smallest violin.  My issues are not large and the trials I endure aren't but a crumb to the worlds hurt and the tribulations that others endure on a daily basis that make my struggles appear microscopic to the things others face.  

In conclusion, I will take my bow with the completion of my tune and am humbled by this situation.  An opportunity for growth and a chance at gaining some wisdom that I could possibly pay forward to my kids or someone else that may cross my path in the future that could end up going through the same thing.  I will continue to push forward and answer that call when it comes.......

The Next Chapter...

A lot has taken place over the past month since my last post.  1. I passed my test!   I'm a certified Class 1 Railroad Conductor.  2. I got furloughed within a week of working.  3. I took an amazing trip back home through Glacier National Park.  4. The world continues to turn and my life is what it is.  

I meant to post earlier and at times felt that I had moments to where I had the clarity to write, and just didn't feel up to sharing.  So I guess that I'll start from the test to the trip to where I am at now.   

I passed the test.  The days leading up to it, I studied a little but not intensely as some of the others may have.  I'd say that I constantly browsed the material with the idea that I've been doing the stuff and studying the material for the past four months and if I didn't have it down by now that I wouldn't gain any additional knowledge by frying my brain, trying to cram into the late hours every night leading up to the test.  The only game plan I had was to take my time and that is exactly what I did.   I took approximately six hours to cover the near 300 test questions and passed on my first go.  Those that didn't pass with a score above 90% had an opportunity to correct their answers for a second go at it.  I believe only 2 of the 16 had to do that, but overall we all successfully passed the test.  I was even able to work a few days at the full conductor pay before I officially got furloughed.  From there, I settled my affairs in Glasgow, sold my trailer and ventured back home to Tacoma.  

The trip back west was a pleasant one.  I decided I'd take the hi-line all the way back and follow highway 2 through Glacier and fish my way back home.  I made a few stops along the way and even managed to talk my way out of a speeding ticket because the officer has an uncle that's a railroader back west.  She even gave me directions to a couple of places that I could check out on my way back.  I even caught a few before I turned in for the evening.  I stayed at a foamers Mecca in Essex.  It was a historic inn that was completely railroad themed with a locomotive and several cabooses that were converted into cabins.  It also had rooms that overlooked the helper yard that assists trains through the pass when needed.  If you're ever in the area, I highly recommend at least stopping for a bite to eat and a walking tour of the property.  It's called the Izaak Walton Inn and will include a few pictures of it.  I woke up early the next morning and stopped at least a dozen or more times to cast and fly fish as much as possible.  I stopped in Columbia Falls, Kalispell, Kootenai Falls and walked the suspension bridge they have out there.  I took two full days to make the trip home and soaked up the little vacation ride home as much as I could knowing that it'd be a while before I did something like that again.  As I drew closer, I got more anxious and nervous at the same time.   It was a really weird feeling to be coming back.  Like I hadn't accomplished what I set out to do and that everything I didn't want to return to would be back to how it was before I left.  Though, I was really excited to be seeing everybody for the first time in months, but really nervous of not knowing what kind of reception that would take place.  I must say that the moments within the last hour of arriving were very intense and emotional for me.

I knew I couldn't come in with any expectations other than just walking through that front door and living it in the moment.  It was odd to have seen and heard my kids regularly by phone and then see them in person.  They sounded so different and the youngest was talking so much more than what I remembered of him before I left.  The reception was light and casual for the most part and getting settled in came over the next week or so.  I had forgotten which lights turn on the outdoors or indoors, what time my kids went to school or got out.  I've got them down again now that I've been back for almost a month.  

Now that I've been home...I miss it.  I hear the whistle from home and follow along with the sequence as it passes a crossing or look at signal indications to see what they're lit up as.  I even notice the form B, yellow/red flags that were up just near the tracks by my house the other day.  I even took the opportunity to explain what they indicate to my wife and talk her through the dialog that every railroader knows with entering a formans limits.  I wish I could be back.  I miss the work.  I wanted to be the provider and come home a champion that took care of the finances.  Now I'm left applying and looking for work.  I've tried without much success and am waiting on an opportunity to do some work for the railroad in Chicago.  In the meantime, bills are still due and a mortgage that won't wait for any call to work.  I feel like the longer that I'm here, the less I want to leave.   I now understand why many don't return because of the stress that embodies all the emotions I'm feeling through this period in my life.  The feelings of depression, frustration and so many more come and go.  I just want to work!  

So much weighing on smooth transitions from work and finances.  I trust in God knowing that we wouldn't give us anything that we couldn't handle as individuals as well as a family.  My oldest is home from school, doesn't care too much for me.  My wife closed the doors to her office and is also in her own transition as well.   So there is just so much going on that I couldn't even begin to tackle any of it.  Control...it's out of my hands and in his, because this is a mountain that only he can handle.  The next chapter for me...only God knows where that journey will take me.