Well, a couple of months have passed since my last post and it's day number 64 as a furloughed TYE railroad employee and I'd have to say that I'm still technically looking for work. I've applied for jobs, taken some side work and gotten a chance to get away with the family a little bit.
A co-worker once told me on a trip that he hired out many years ago and also was immediately furloughed and didn't work for 18 months. He also told me that those were the best 18 months of his life, because with that time away he was able to gain seniority through guys not coming back to the job and that allowed him to appreciate how great of a job that he had. Though being in the moment in can see and understand where he's coming from with that comment, but I have a hard time realizing it because I'm currently walking in that moment.
I've got a prospective job lined up with a company that transports railroaders to wherever they need to go. It's the same service that would shuttle me from place to place when I was on the job in Montana. It's not the greatest paying gig, but it's the closest I'm going to get to a train until I get called back. I am also going down for a paid training in Austin, Texas for a week which will be a nice break from reality and get paid for it. Things have been extremely tough since coming home, yet I'm always reminding myself of the comforting words of my wife who once told me that, "God has never given us anything that we couldn't handle" and "as hard as things have been in the past, we always seem to get by." I honestly know that we could be in worse shape than where we are now and also know that we haven't been in a situation financially and relationally as as bad as where we currently are at. It's almost like the perfect storm that we are weathering right now. A combination of being out of work, and her having to close her business at the same time. Also coupled with our marital status being in question along with the mountain of debt, a looming possibility of foreclosure and recurring bills being a sweet cherry to top our bowl of stressors. I'd like to think or say with confidence that we are genuinely taking on these obstacles head on, but fear in its moments can get the best of me at times. I struggle with sleep at night, worrying about the position that our family is in and the quality of life and culture we are creating for our kids. I feel that it's been improving a bit over the last couple of weeks as we've both put all those issues in perspective and begin to work towards something bigger than we we can see or touch. With that dream,or idea, I can get a clearer understanding what my coworker was meaning with that comment. Being back to work would definitely resolve a lot of our stresses, a lot of my insecurities and inadequacies. I'd feel like I'm the man of the house, providing for my family. I've always wanted to have that feeling of being raised up or praised by my family as being able to meet the needs of them all.
We've been able to take the kids camping and we also took a trip to the Oregon coast as well. It was the first real camping experience for the boys and they had a blast. I think all of the kids overall enjoyed the trip and I think that Peggy and I had a good time as well. I also think that the trip to the ocean was a good experience as well for the kids. As they get older, they are able to remember more of these moments and I want them to remember all the things we got out and did. I want them to take in so much more than what I was exposed to as a kid. I also want them to not be a victim of that generational curse that we so regularly acquire from our parents and pass onto our children. I now see that I am my fathers son. Even with being raised by a step father, there are so many things that I have taken from him and I don't want the things that I've learned in my home to be passed on to my children. They say everything happens for a reason. As hard as it may be to digest everything that's going on in our lives, I accept them. I embrace the opportunity to be a better husband to my wife, a better father to my children. I know in time, grace and perseverance, I can be that man. We all fall short, though by love and grace we are made new, forgiven and strenthened by that grace and love to give more. A better version of us, day by day.
Some can offer their prayers, or an extended hand of support. I can also respect the opinions of others that give suggestions or their outside opinion to my circumstance. I also know that the extension of ones hand doesn't reach but any further than their own circle. We've become secluded to meeting and being solely committed to our own immediate needs being met. If you don't directly affect the revolution of my world, I can't directly be a part of it. Family or friends included to that. I understand though, I'm not putting out an expectation of, "I've fallen and I want you to help me up". It's just sad and surprising to live in a world that will only help if it means that we get something in return. We watch from the sidelines, scrolling through input regularly and only do what's comfortable. I'm also know that I'm taking my index finger and rubbing it ever so gently back and forth with my thumb as I'm playing the tune with the worlds smallest violin. My issues are not large and the trials I endure aren't but a crumb to the worlds hurt and the tribulations that others endure on a daily basis that make my struggles appear microscopic to the things others face.
In conclusion, I will take my bow with the completion of my tune and am humbled by this situation. An opportunity for growth and a chance at gaining some wisdom that I could possibly pay forward to my kids or someone else that may cross my path in the future that could end up going through the same thing. I will continue to push forward and answer that call when it comes.......
