I meant to post earlier and at times felt that I had moments to where I had the clarity to write, and just didn't feel up to sharing. So I guess that I'll start from the test to the trip to where I am at now.
I passed the test. The days leading up to it, I studied a little but not intensely as some of the others may have. I'd say that I constantly browsed the material with the idea that I've been doing the stuff and studying the material for the past four months and if I didn't have it down by now that I wouldn't gain any additional knowledge by frying my brain, trying to cram into the late hours every night leading up to the test. The only game plan I had was to take my time and that is exactly what I did. I took approximately six hours to cover the near 300 test questions and passed on my first go. Those that didn't pass with a score above 90% had an opportunity to correct their answers for a second go at it. I believe only 2 of the 16 had to do that, but overall we all successfully passed the test. I was even able to work a few days at the full conductor pay before I officially got furloughed. From there, I settled my affairs in Glasgow, sold my trailer and ventured back home to Tacoma.
The trip back west was a pleasant one. I decided I'd take the hi-line all the way back and follow highway 2 through Glacier and fish my way back home. I made a few stops along the way and even managed to talk my way out of a speeding ticket because the officer has an uncle that's a railroader back west. She even gave me directions to a couple of places that I could check out on my way back. I even caught a few before I turned in for the evening. I stayed at a foamers Mecca in Essex. It was a historic inn that was completely railroad themed with a locomotive and several cabooses that were converted into cabins. It also had rooms that overlooked the helper yard that assists trains through the pass when needed. If you're ever in the area, I highly recommend at least stopping for a bite to eat and a walking tour of the property. It's called the Izaak Walton Inn and will include a few pictures of it. I woke up early the next morning and stopped at least a dozen or more times to cast and fly fish as much as possible. I stopped in Columbia Falls, Kalispell, Kootenai Falls and walked the suspension bridge they have out there. I took two full days to make the trip home and soaked up the little vacation ride home as much as I could knowing that it'd be a while before I did something like that again. As I drew closer, I got more anxious and nervous at the same time. It was a really weird feeling to be coming back. Like I hadn't accomplished what I set out to do and that everything I didn't want to return to would be back to how it was before I left. Though, I was really excited to be seeing everybody for the first time in months, but really nervous of not knowing what kind of reception that would take place. I must say that the moments within the last hour of arriving were very intense and emotional for me.
I knew I couldn't come in with any expectations other than just walking through that front door and living it in the moment. It was odd to have seen and heard my kids regularly by phone and then see them in person. They sounded so different and the youngest was talking so much more than what I remembered of him before I left. The reception was light and casual for the most part and getting settled in came over the next week or so. I had forgotten which lights turn on the outdoors or indoors, what time my kids went to school or got out. I've got them down again now that I've been back for almost a month.
Now that I've been home...I miss it. I hear the whistle from home and follow along with the sequence as it passes a crossing or look at signal indications to see what they're lit up as. I even notice the form B, yellow/red flags that were up just near the tracks by my house the other day. I even took the opportunity to explain what they indicate to my wife and talk her through the dialog that every railroader knows with entering a formans limits. I wish I could be back. I miss the work. I wanted to be the provider and come home a champion that took care of the finances. Now I'm left applying and looking for work. I've tried without much success and am waiting on an opportunity to do some work for the railroad in Chicago. In the meantime, bills are still due and a mortgage that won't wait for any call to work. I feel like the longer that I'm here, the less I want to leave. I now understand why many don't return because of the stress that embodies all the emotions I'm feeling through this period in my life. The feelings of depression, frustration and so many more come and go. I just want to work!
So much weighing on smooth transitions from work and finances. I trust in God knowing that we wouldn't give us anything that we couldn't handle as individuals as well as a family. My oldest is home from school, doesn't care too much for me. My wife closed the doors to her office and is also in her own transition as well. So there is just so much going on that I couldn't even begin to tackle any of it. Control...it's out of my hands and in his, because this is a mountain that only he can handle. The next chapter for me...only God knows where that journey will take me.
