My Reality is...The Hard Knock Life

I've had some time out here in Montana over the past three months to really reflect on who I am and where I'm going. I've learned a lot about a new craft and more so a lot about myself.  What I've done, good and bad, along with where I'm going.  With two weeks remaining in my training, another chapter of this journey is soon set to take its course into the unknown. 

So back onto the rails I go with trips back and forth to Minot.  The volume of trains have been slow as of late and have been doing some deadheading because of the lack of trains out there.  I did get to deadhead back to Glasgow once via the silver bullet which was a nice trip compared to the usual van ride.  I hadn't been on an Amtrak train since I was a kid taking them back and forth from Tacoma to Portland where I grew up.  The train hasn't changed at all in the last twenty years since last riding them, not one bit.  They looked exactly the same and haven't been updated or changed at all.  That ride just coincidentally took place days after the tragic derailment which took the lives of 8 and injuring 200 more. I wasn't worried about the safety of the train and the trip back to town was pretty comfortable and it went by very quickly.  I enjoyed it a lot considering I had taken so many of them as a kid to visit friends in my old town where I grew up.  

To bring the blog up to speed in this journey, let's start off by covering my week back in Williston.  I got the chance to work with a great conductor out there on the 6am to 6pm crew.  The days were long but the week seemed to go by very quickly.  I spent the entire time switching railroad cars from several tracks, setting out cars to take up to the local industries and blocking together cars that were being used on the west end of the yard to eventually build an outbound train for a crew to take to its destination.  The instructor that I worked with had a very fatherly teaching ability about him that made for a very relaxed and receptive way of learning.  I saw him as a great mentor and connected with him very quickly in the short amount of time that I got to work with him.  On my way back to town I took the opportunity to visit a couple of sites.  Fort Buford and Fort Union.  Both sites stand at the Missouri and Yellowstone confluence.  I've turned into a research bug from knowing my wife and look everything up. I suggest the same, whether it be those sites or even the history of Amtrak, all interesting to know its origin and where it all started.  I then headed west on a freeway that runs along the rails which I see all the time during work but never from the paved hi line of highway 2.  Beautiful sights of badland mountains that tell its own story of deterioration over time, shaped by every passing season.   It's along a gravel road that extends over several miles, along the way back I see a vulture having lunch that seemed to not care of my passing car so I turned around for a better shot, the results were a priceless capture from my phone that left me in awe of a beautiful bird that is sought only as a scavenger.  The beauty in creation brings to mind a couple of days in Williston where I'm riding the point of an oil car, protecting the reverse movement back into the yard when out of nowhere a squirrel comes racing alongside our train.  For over a minute we watch this thing pace our train as I'm telling him to not do it, yes I am talking to a squirrel and advising him to not cut across the tracks in front of us.  Amazed by his speed, he digs deep and pulls ahead and narrowly crosses safely.  I felt silly in the moment but was taken from my reality to enjoy the time of life's simplicity in that brief minute.  I think the funnier part to that moment took place only two days later, pulling that same shove, that same squirrel did it again.  As the instructor and I remark about it we again are talking to this squirrel telling him that he's pushing his luck by crossing in front of us.  He made it safely and again made a minute of my life free from a world that weighs down our spirits, keeping us from enjoying or taking in the simple things in life. 

Financially, I took this journey in hopes of a dream.  A dream that would alleviate the stresses that have followed my family over the past several years.  Whether it be with our struggles at home or with my wife and her business that she opened over a year ago.  I hoped to be able and cover all loose ends and to allow her the breathing room to simply focus that revenue towards taking her dream with that business to the next level.  I'm afraid that failing out here will limit or end her dream back home.  I have found myself in restuarant parking lots or in my car contemplating the decision of eating my next meal.  If it's not that, I have taken the continental breakfasts as my opportunity to get a quick bite to eat along with a chance to pack a light lunch to get me by.  I also find myself at a local bar across the street from my trailer simply to just take part in the free popcorn and water while I catch the evenings basketball or baseball game.  I've made more each half than I ever have before, even when I was working three jobs but feel that nothing has gotten any better.  To dream a dream and work so hard selflessly, sacrificing it all to not find a peace at the end of the tunnel has made this chapter quite hard.  Questioning his calling for me and the purpose of this journey.  Where will it take me next?  Where is the light at the end of this tunnel?  Does that dream or vision of happiness exist?  Is it something that is only fabricated by movies and mainstream media to chase a false hope of something that doesn't really exist?  Are my peers and the things that I see around me false?  Do they share the same hardships and are only cleverly disguised by empty social media updates, that lead me to believe that happiness is only a front, but deep down are broken and struggling as well.  I just am at such a loss right now, I don't know. 

Relationally has been the hardest.  I haven't seen my kids and to hear other employees share in their families and kids has been the hardest.  I am truly alone out here with no idea of what will come next or when I'll be able to see my family.  I'm missing my kids more and more with each passing day and my wife and I couldn't be any more disconnected than we currently are.  We will both be celebrating birthdays next week and this will mark the first time in eight years where we will spend it away from each other not fishing together.  Our 7 year anniversary is coming up this Sunday, yet I get the feeling that there is nothing left to celebrate.  Can what has been lost ever be found?  Could it be possible to rekindle a love where the flames are almost seemingly extinguished?  I once stood tall bearing the name The Resseau Family.  Now I feel like I've been losing them all, one by one to where I can't even envision getting it all back.  I've lost the sense of being and almost feel like there isn't even a welcoming home to go back to if at the end of this thing I am without work.  I feel like I can't go home.  I haven't earned that right.  Nothing is better.  Nothing is forgiven.  The past is still present and nothing is new.  I'll have come so far to only go back in exactly the same position that I left in.  I desperately need the work.  I need money to pay bills and provide for my family.  I need help.  Though I also know that money doesn't solve all of our problems.  I know that it could possibly relieve some levels of stress that cloud any shred of hope I seek in earning with the efforts that I feel like I've been putting forth out here.  I just don't know anymore.  Days are good and days are bad.  So goes my life on the railroad at this moment in time.  I've always stated that through it all.  In my moments that are real or my times that are emotional, I try.  I am not perfect and am guilty as flesh but I can only continue to try and seek the guidance and wisdom of the Lord to lead me as he sees fit.  His will, not mine.  To turn it all over to him and let go of it all because this is all larger than I can even comprehend now.   I can only try and love like he does, continuing to give the best of my ability and hope for the best.  

Thank you all that follow my journey.  Your comments and knowing that someone is out there listening helps.  Your prayers are always welcomed and very much appreciated.  In this moment, I pray for forgiveness, to make me new in this day and let the past die.  I pray for a covering over my journey, my world, and my family that walks through and endures through these trying times.  Give us all the love, patience, peace in understanding these days with the wisdom to disern your will for us all.  Thank for this day.  The gift of life in which we are given the free will to live and love one another.  Thank you for it all.  It's truly a blessing to have, even in the times or moments that feel empty.  I thank you for the peace of your love knowing that this one thing alone is enough.  

Amen. 

The Weight of the World

The days have been long and full of work.  Also there has been so much on my mind that I've put off the blog to allot the time to capture all of them on a clear mind.  Funny things is, the physical work is always the easy part.  So an opening of time came up as I sit here waiting for my crew to arrive so that we can deadhead over to Minot in a van because work has been slow.  Believe me, I'd much rather be on a train heading over there so I can continue the on the job training trips, but this will be a good opportunity for me to get caught up with where I've been for the last week or two.  

I spent a week in Williston, North Dakota working in the yard.  Williston is known for being Boomtown, USA.  It is at the epicenter of the Bakken oil region and has grown so rapidly that there are literally thousands of dwelling crammed together all over the area to house the workers.  They are also know as man camps.  The demand for work is so great and the inflation of everything because of it has everyone hiring and at a higher hourly rate.  Walmart starts people at $17 an hour.  I've heard McDonalds is not far behind and offers a starting wage of $15 an hour.  Hotels are everywhere and can command a nightly rate of almost 300 dollars a night.  A studio apartment can range in a price ten times that amount.  Thankfully, the railroad covered the bill and meals, so I just worked a 10pm to 10am shift learning how to build trains.  I was riding rail cars and making joints and cutting them away.  I enjoyed the work a lot but must say that walking on those rocks all day in steel toe and shank boots were killing my feet after a 12 hour day.   It also takes a toll on your lower back as well.   The week was great and I got some good instructors as well who taught me a lot and let me learn by doing the work.  I go back for another week of switching in the yard in my last week of training which coincides with my birthday.  

I drove back and got the following day off and since then have been on a couple trips to Minot and back.  My last train was almost 8000 feet long.  Amazing!  It's been really slow out here and have heard nothing but whispers and continuing conversation of apparent furloughs that are coming.  My biggest fear is being laid off after I get out of training which is about a month away.  I can't afford to not collect a paycheck and certainly would feel like a failure to my family if I were to come home with my tail between my legs empty handed.  It worries me a lot and have somewhat of a game plan if things were to require the implementation of my plan B or even my plan C, but as for now I'm still going with plan A, which is putting my best foot forward and giving my all towards this training and praying that work will be available when I get out of class.  I'm banking on the well being of my marriage and my family's survival on it as I've been trying to get on top of paying more of the bills between two locations.  As scary as I've allowed my mind to take me with the worries of my relationship, being away from my kids, and ensuring a financially security for all of it in the end game.  I for the most part am trying to stay positive but can tends to wander with the weight of the world and its realities bearing down heavy onto my shoulders.   I also know that I serve a just God that gives an abundance of grace and love, who also wouldn't give me anything that I couldn't handle as well.   That brings rest and peace to my burdens.  I trust it all to him to sort out and can only continue on with my trying efforts as each day passes by.

A train also derailed 50 east of Minot carrying crude.  It continues to put pressure on the railroad to fix the derailment problems it's been having with these explosive loads.  It's apparently the fifth one this year.  Fortunately, the town was safely evacuated and the crew were okay.  It has definitely slowed traffic down greatly which is why in in a van to Minot opposed to a train.  They've rerouted several trains and I will be taking one back to Glasgow in the morning.  

In summarizing these dozen or so days on a lighter note.  I came back from Williston and watched the sequel to the Avengers at my favorite theater.  Only six other people were in the theater when I watched it.  I've seen thee most beautiful sunrises on that graveyard shift.  To see the moon set and slowly fade away before my eyes as it gives way to the light of day is amazing.  In my free time, I'll drive around town or the area on mini adventures.  In Epping, there's a little restored town which is cute and would seem like a destination place for tourists, but it turned out to be a ghost town to be.  I was brought on as an active firefighter of the city of Glasgow and Valley County fire departments as my application was reviewed and accepted.  It certainly had my heart racing with excitement as I got fit for my bunker gear.   I'm looking forward to being as helpful as I can with my limited schedule.  All of the volunteers there have been extremely friendly and know that I'm in great company and am honored to be a part of their family.  

To come as far as I have on my own, I feel I have come a long way and would hate for it to all be cut short because of the circumstances that could be.  I'll rest in knowing that his will is sufficient and whatever path he puts forth in front of me is just and will take it on with my best of efforts.